Well, I never said these were going to be in order.
As a predictum, I must note that on nearly every single occaision trying to write the main characters name, I began to write "Mulan". In several cases I did and didn't realise it until later. So if you catch a Mulan here or there, I mean Pocahontas.
I start my list with a Disney movie that I have never seen before, because I always thought it would be a terrible movie. Well I was surprised in many ways. However, I'm not going to scrutinize this for historical accuracy. It's Disney, it's gonna fudge anything, so I accept that and applaud it.
The most predominant feature of this film had to be the definate disability of being completely in Spanish. Or German. I couldn't really tell, but I assumed it was Spanish because they rolled their r's a lot and I felt really sleepy watching it. But the fact that I still managed to get the general plotline was a complete testimony to the lack of subtly within the script.
Luckily the movie did have some really neat visual imagery, and the Spanish version of "colours of the wind" can only be what I would call an improvement. It gave it the sophistication of an opera rolled into the visual parallels of Pocahontas to a cat with downs syndrome.
Uncanny!
Something about hearing "Escuchaste aullar los lobos a la luna azul" was actually quite romantic and I recommend if you can find it, watch the song, I really liked it.
One of the major flaws of this film was the very formulaic approach to characters, villains specifically. Just as Jafar had his Iago, Gaston had his Lefou, Governor Ratcliffe had his Wiggins, a sexually ambiguous dunderhead of a henchmen. He was my least favourite character in the movie and had none of the charm of previous henchmen. To the credit of someone though, they were both voiced by the same person, which was neat to learn! Cameryn Manheim is really stretching her abilities.
Remember her from The Practice?
Speaking of sexual ambiguity, there are several suspicious scenes in the movie that allude to deviant sexual behavior of many characters. As pointed out in a previous note of mine, Pocahontas has a knack for watersports, and shares her naughty fluid swapping ways with a young girlfriend in the beginning of this movie, whom she abandons later to romp with John Smith.
Disgusting, just disgusting!
A second error was in the depiction of the natives in the beginning. The ululation in their songs are actually of African origin, and there isn't any evidence, as far as my research goes, to show ululation within native music or celebration.
Alright, now we get into the meat of the movie. Poshajontas, as she is known by her Spanish bretheren, has to marry big chief Bangum Onbak, who seems to be more interested in wrestling um paleface than boinking 'Jontas. Confused, she seeks advice from that tree in Peanuts that always used to eat charlie browns kite. Hungry for more than the dreams of children, she asks Jontas to fondle her leaves, and upon doing so, she spies the ships of the spanish approaching the shore.
She goes back to the village and something happens, im not really sure, but I think it involved the shaman drinking some magic ju-ju juice and hallucinating like dumbo in that one scene.
Then ratcliffe arrive and starts blowing the shit out of everything. I mean everything. Rocks, trees, his own dog, just to find gold. Here is a man you have to admire. His work ethic risks the life of his own team to reach the ends, but never puts his own life in danger. That is management material my friends.
Anyways, john smith runs off and meets Jontas in the forest, and while theyre presumably playing 'hide the sausage', Ratcliffe his pummeling the shit out of her people. this goes on for a while and we now know what kind of stamina john smith is capable of. The kite eating tree likes to watch.
After sex, Jontas likes to threaten her friends.
Scream and you die, bitch!
Some more stuff happens, her fiancee gets so overcome with man on man lust that he tries to molest Smith, but meets an untimely end by Smiths previous lover as Jontas looks on the entire thing in confusion.
A little lower and he would have died a happy little indian
Smith is blamed for all of this for some reason, and in sentenced to death. Masturbating in front of the Kite Eating tree, Jontas gets the brigth idea to free him.
Meanwhile, a red cloud and a purple cloud clash in the sky and lightning strikes. Subtle as fuck, Disney.
As Smith is about to be beheaded, Jontas runs up and declares her love. ...In an instant, Big Chief's heart melts and is all, "lol ok then", but in a failed assassination attempt, Ratcliffe misses JFK by about 300 years and accidentally shoots John Smith, which for some reason makes the chief cry.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Smith's spanish boy-lover, whom the indians have renamed "Little Wanker Flog a Log" somehow becomes the leader and like...sends Ratcliffe away? This is where watching in english would have come in handy, because maybe he was like the King's son or something, I dont know. Anyways hes pretty choked up about Smith's death.
Umm so the guy in green is like..the king in disguise or something?
Oh and Smith doesnt die... and then it ends.
Ummm...soo...yeah!
My overall take on the movie is I think I would have actually liked it were it in English, but definitely not as much as the previous bunch. This was a good herald in marking the decline.
The art was definitely a large step down from its direct predecessor, the Lion King, and it had way to many side characters for a movie that focused primarily on two people.
Also, having a loveable animal companion may have worked for Abu, but it sure as shit didn't work for this movie. The dog pissed the hell out of me, and Wiggens may as well have been a dog, since every scene he was in pretty much left it to your imagination to see him receiving on all fours. Jontas companions would have done better in the sidelines, instead of having their own side story rivalry with the dog.
The music wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't terrible either. I did like Colours of the Wind, especially in Spanish, I would say that was the best song in the film and did deserve whatever acclaim it got, although I think it was little.
On a very nitpicky scale, I give this movie a 6.5 out of ten. It was a good effort, but missed the mark by just that much.
Would I watch it again? Only if it wasn't in Spanish.
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