(Originally written February 1, 2008)
It's a SNOW DAY!!! And what better way to spend it than to waste more time instead of working on essays!! Yay!
Ok! So I'm really looking forward to doing this one because this is one of my top five favourite from the bunch! I want to get it OUT of the way so I can not have it nagging in the back of my head when deciding which ones to review.
I'm sorry if this review isn't as funny as you had expected. It's difficult to make fun of something you like because it's genuinely good.
It is the second in the line of my self titled "High Period" films (see note, "Disney Movies") for good reason. The artwork is fantastic, the music is stunning and they have only just begun to use computer effects to enhance the films, so the Disney world isn't all flash and razzmatazz just yet.
The worst part about this movie was trying to remember how to take screen captures of movies by turning off the hardware acceleration. phew!
There are few high name actors in this film, because it was back in the day when they focused on style AND substance over flash in the pan actors. I WILL share with you that the woman who voiced Babette is the same woman who was the voice of Cartman's mom on South Park, before she died!
The movie opens with that classic drippy piano music that just SPELLS foreboding times, and the introduction tells the story through the way of very cool stain glass windows, such a novel idea.
So it's a classic story of "Do not judge a book by its cover" when the old guy from law and order comes to his door looking for shelter. He says no, and he turns out to be a cross dressing fairy, and serves his ass on a platter, along with his servant, who you have to feel bad for because let's face it, they didn't do anything to him/her. where's your law and order now?
My question is, where are the PARENTS in all of this? Society in the 1600's, I tell ya.
oooh he in shit now, son!
FUN FACT: The old guy i am referring to is Detective Briscoe, who actually VOICES Lumiere! True story!
As if being a monster isn't a slap in the face, the fairy drops off a magic mirror, so he gets to look at his ugly mug all day long. Salting the wounds. BUT on the bright side, he already has hairy palms, so he can also look at all the girl's lockerooms he wants.
Speaking of perversion, it's time to introduce Belle. Ah yes, the sweet and innocent girl who's more into books than she is men. ironically, they're all harlequin romance novels, so nothing in real life would match her expectation anyway.
Sadly no one shares this bizarre fanfic fetish, but the people of the town have dirty secrets of their own. The baker has a sick relationships with his baguettes (ones called Marie), the barber collects hair clippings to make himself a furry
Belle would intervene if she wasn't so turned on.
Anyway, I noticed that in this town, although it has it's share of Ugmos, it also has a stack of bombshell babes, much prettier than plain ol' Belle next door.
However, she is the only one who with exchange blowjobs for books, and thus the librarian gives her her usual compensation. This one is called "Prince Charming" and is filled with sado-masochism and paper bags.
Camryn Manheim makes yet another guest appearance in the chapeau store.
Enter Gaston, the villain...who if you think about it, is really just a nice guy trying to do the town a favour by taming the village slut, cleanse the village of the town crackpot, and free the village town of the town village beast.
What a hero! I bet he comes out on top at the end!
Oh, and he's also horny for Belle.
All this "bonjouring" just reminded me that for a little town in France, they all speak a lot of English... I shall bring this up again when we meet Lumiere.
Gaston shares his wisdom early on in the story, by informing Belle that "it's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, thinking," which is basically the second moral of this story: Let a woman make her own choices, and you end up falling to your death. OOP! I mean you uh... we don't know yet. Let's keep watching, shall we?
I always thought that those three blonde chicks should ended up with Gaston. They were babes.
Anyway, in typical Disney fashion, we are introduced to her boneheaded yet endearing father, who is really the catalyst for this entire disaster of a love triangle. I think Disney had some daddy issues.
Anyways, he invents electricity or something and decides "F this S," and abandons his daughter for a better life, burden free. However, that hit of LSD he took before he left starts to affect his mind, and soon he thinks he is riding a personified horse being chased by wolves, when he's really just stumbling around his backyard (which coincidentally also houses an ancient castle.)
He blames the horse of course.
Wicked wicked WICKED artwork in this movie, the backgrounds and everything! yeah!
So he's still hallucinating, and he sees talking clocks and candles and yadda yadda yadda, gets thrown into prison, yadda yadda.
Gaston valiantly tries to make an honest women out of Belle, but she enjoys her life of carnal sin, and makes him wrestle himself in mud and pig urine because she doesn't know how to make jello
The horse comes back before he can show her what for and Belle goes looking for her father, who told her he was going out for a beer three weeks ago and never came back. She stumbles on his LSD stash and starts to trip out, eventually finding herself in the same castle he did.
Actually this scene is one of two that frequently gets forgotten from the movie. She bargains with the beast for her father's life in the jail. For SOME reason, she offers herself, and I'm very sure those reasons concern borderline bestiality. But since that is such an obvious gag for the nature of this film, I'm just going to skip right along.
In the version of the film I watched, they also edited and fixed some of the dialogue I remember sticking out as odd when I was little (just small fumbles, but noticeably missing).
Gaston sings about how great he is. Lefou loves Gaston.
So crazy old Maurice is always good for a laugh...
The funniest part about the end of this scene is that Gaston and Lefou walk into the foreground which leads nowhere but into a window.
Dinnertime!! Belle pisses off the beast by not coming, like the stubborn ol Alice she is (See Alice in Wonderland for a full representation of the female form).
She cuts off her nose to spite her face and ends up sneaking into the kitchen like a common thief, while Lumiere is boinking Bibette the feather duster, HOWEVER that is possible.
This would be a great time to mention that Lumiere is the only character in this entire film that speaks with a French accent. He is also the only character who is flaming. Coincidence?
Belle is on the Nicole Ritchie diet, so she only sticks her finger in the warm spot then exclaims she is full. And she is now pregnant. Luckily, in a deleted scene, Beast pushes her down a staircase. Problem solved!
"O man i can't believe she stuck her finger there!"
Once AGAIN, she disobeys orders and sneaks into the West Wing. Sadly, she sees no sign of Michael Douglas or Kristin Chenowith
I noticed a trend: whenever a "Disney Princess" disobeys orders, she ends up killing someone, ruining someone's life, or sentenced to die.
There's a lesson here for young girls everywhere.
She has an acid flashback of wolves and horses and awakes to find herself nursing scratches on the beast. In reality, she's patching the wounds of one kinky night of librarianism.
Back at home, Lefou, in his unrequited love for Gaston, agrees to be a snowman till the girl comes home.
Cogsworth reveals that the way to a woman's heart consists of, "Flowers, chocolates, and promises you don't intend to keep."
The beast gives belle a library and she practically creams her dress right then and there. Everyone says they, "see something there," except for chip, who, like the innocence of the child in the Emperor's New Clothes, is the only person who actually sees it as it is: s short term, non committal booty call ending in death and mayhem.
He feeds the birds, and there is just something so creepy about the venus flytrap-like claws that are attracting this little bluebird. I expected any minute to see him crushing it, feathers flying everywhere, then absorbing its nutrients into his own skin.
thats it little birdie...right into my *SQUAWK!!*
What many people don't know is that there is actually a deleted song sequence from the movie, called "Human Again," which was omitted from the film but is in the version I watched. It is all the trinkets singing about what they would do if they were human again, and it is quite a nice one that gives us insight into their personalities. I'm not sure why it was deleted, because it's not that long and really makes you connect with the pissiness that is being a trinket.
In this scene, Belle also teaches the beast how to read, which emphasizes how pathetic his life was before. It also shows more of the Wardrobe, who was an awesome character.
Anyways they dance their dance, and Belle suddenly mood swings and PMS's all over the place. The beast gets so awkward because no one knows what to do in these situations that he sends her home with full pay and sick leave. Somehow.
Anyways, one of the best scenes in the movie is coming up. They come to take her father away, and Gaston, being the shrewed negotiator he is, agrees to get him out for her smokin' bod. She kicks him in the nads and the Mob Song begins! Its such an effective song, but even better is the castle fight scene that follows.
There's chaos and anarchy and each character is matched up with a respective foil, and the music is wicked. I love that it begins with the ominous quiet castle as the objects pretend to be objects, then the whole surprise attack.
I also love that Lefou attempts to burn a candle to death.
Aaaaanyways, Gaston falls to a heroic dea- - wait? WHAT? Wasn't he supposed to be the good guy?... I lord I think I need to re-examine my life.
As punishment for killing the protagonist, the beast is transformed into the girliest, foppiest, pussiest little pussy that ever pussed. This guy makes Tom Cruise's Lestat look like Rambo.
the resemblance is uncanny. Almost as good as Jontas' down syndrome kitty
Around the moment everyone turns into humans again, chip comes to the sudden realisation that...his mother is clearly pushing 80, yet he's only 7... so that means... she... EWWWWW!!! back to the cupboard for you!
She did it with cogsworth on a cold lonely night i bet you anything
So in conclusion, this is a great and classic flick.
I don't know what my favourite song of the movie is because they're all so catchy and fun. Possibly the Mob Song though.
I give it a 9 out of 10, only because it isn't Aladdin, and it's too much of a girl movie to have openly admitted to liking when I was younger.
Would I watch it again? Of course.
